Dr. Eric Anderson - Wise or Witless?

[JMG]

This week's poll addresses University of Winchester sociology professor Eric Anderson's assertions that: "Monogamy isn't the only 'proper' way to be in a relationship, and he says it's time that society finds 'multiple forms of acceptable sexual relationship types -- including sexually open relationships -- that coexist without hierarchy or hegemony.'"

Give the article a read here.

What do you think?

(Thanks to Ankh Ascendant for the idea!)

[JMG]

What it really comes down to is the question as to whether or not monogamy is "normal" for humans from a biological standpoint. Most animals are not monogamous, and there is a question as to whether it is natural for us or whether it is socially imposed upon us as "the right thing to do." I believe it to be the latter. It's good for a species to mate a lot, and while a woman can bear a child once every nine months, a man can impregnate many hundreds of women in that time. It might very well be a biological directive for a man to pursue such avenues, even if society frowns upon it. Biology vs. social custom and tradition.

The article says, "Monogamy's stronghold on our beliefs -- what he calls monogamism -- brings ostracism and judgment to anyone who questions or strays from its boundaries." Agreed. However, the article also draws a line of distinction between emotional monogamy (love) and physical monogamy (lust). Is it possible to love one person while lusting after multiple people? I think that the answer's yes to that. But what about acting on that lust? For someone to do that is tantamount to "betraying the relationship." However, once you consider a separation between love and lust, how does that figure in?

Marriage as contract (social) or marriage as sacred (theological)?

I also liked the quote, "We falsely believe that when the sex dies, the relationship has also died. The reality is the opposite; when the sex dies the relationship has just begun." Long-term relationships are hard work. Indeed, among the hardest, to maintain and to continue. Shouldn't they be able to weather such storms, if indeed they are as strong as they should be? Can love with one person be maintained even after indulging in lust with another?

[Ankh]

Without getting too preachy, which is always a problem because I like to argue, I just want to say that his article reeks of bias. It doesn't come off like the results of a scientific study, it sounds like an opinion which has been rationalized on paper.

It's pretty hard to be rational and objective about such an issue, since it's pretty inherently emotional. I won't really try. I actually agree that biologically we aren't made to be monogamous and that men are made to spread their seed, not spend it all on one person.

I guess the offensive part is that he suggests men should be free to have sexually open relationships (i.e. cheat) whether their partner agrees or not. I don't have any problem at all with open relationships as long as all involved parties agree, but to argue that you should be allowed to have affairs and that your partner is in the wrong to deny you that is just disrespectful.

[theMediator]

So he doesn't believe that it's healthy or feasible for men to be in a monogamous relationship.

But as long as he only advocates sexually ambiguous relationships when both parties are aware and in agreement, I don't really have anything to say on the matter.

As long as a couple is happy, I don't really care how their relationship works.

I've been married for just under 2 years and in a monogamous relationship for 6. At no point have I desired to have an "open" relationship with my wife. But that's just me.

[Etch]

I am right there with you; so long as everyone is aware and consents, there is no harm. I'm speaking from the other side of the fence, though -- my wife and I are in a committed non-monogamous relationship, something we came to together after being together for four years.

What I'm worried about is the confusion of 'non-monogamous sex' and 'cheating', because they aren't the same. Just because my wife and I aren't sexually exclusive to each other doesn't mean it's ok to sneak around, lie and have sex with anyone; we're open with each other, communicative and ultimately, we care about each other -- and these are values shared at large with the non-monogamous community.

And lets be honest; some people cheat because they don't know non-monogamy is an option, but I'd bet more people cheat because their relationship has gone awry.